A Time for Humor
Lloyd Ross, Ph.D.
Time for another episode of my ramblings with some humor thrown into the mix. In this one I will try to be philosophical. This is especially to the point since most of you are just sitting around snacking and waiting for the pandemic to be over. This piece is dedicated to Jim Gottstein and if you want to know everything about it, read his new book about the Zyprexa Papers.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and Krispy Cream Donuts. And Satan said: “You want chocolate with that?” And man said: “As long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds.
And Satan smiled.
And God created healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them...and woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said: “Try my fresh green salad.”
And Satan presented thousand island dressing and buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: “I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken fried steak so big, it needed it’s own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went up.
And God created a light, floppy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said: “It is good.”
Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fried them.
And man gained pounds.
God gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and its 99 cents double cheeseburger. Then he said: “You want fries with that?”
And man replied “yes, and super-size them.”
And Satan said: “It is good”
And man went into cardiac arrest!
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
Then God created caring people to talk to about your problems and feelings.
Then Satan created Zyprexa, and marketed it aggressively, for every ailment. People took it and everyone developed additional obesity, diabetes, tardive dyskinesia, and went into aggressive diabetic shock, and died.
And Satan smiled.
Not that I want to pick on the poor people who run Eli Lilly, but they certainly deserve it. So I would like to tell you this little story.
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for the CEO job of a humungous drug company. The engineer was interviewed first and was asked many questions. The last question was: “How much is two and two?” The engineer excused himself, made a whole series of measurements and calculations, and finally came back and answered: “four.”
The physicist was interviewed next and he was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two and two?” He also excused himself and went to the library, where he did a great deal of research after a consultation with the U.S. Bureau of Standards. After further calculations, he also announced: “The answer is four.”
Next, the lawyer was interviewed. Again, the final question was: “How much is two and two?” The lawyer got up and drew all the shades in the room and looked outside to make sure no one was there. He then checked the telephone for listening devices and finally whispered: “How much do you want it to be?”
The group immediately said: “YOU’RE HIRED!”
The triumph of the pharmaceutical industry over science and reason is akin to the triumph of sugar over diabetes. The people who become Big Pharma CEOs live by a four commandment code:
Here it is:
Commandment I - First get your facts. Then you may distort them at your leisure.
Commandment II - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
Commandment III - If you can ask the wrong questions, you don’t have to worry about the answers.
Commandment IV - The last stage of fitting the drug to the market is fitting the market to the drug.
Finally, A new study done at Duke University showed that diet and exercise work much better to relieve depression that Paxil and Zoloft. That being the case, ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you.